Give Me A Reason This Scorpio Season
October 23-November 21 2017 marks the time for Plutonic homeboy Scorpio to come up from the underworld and show the rest of the zodiac what's good.
How did Scorpio season treat you? This is the time of year known to be the easiest to communicate with your ancestors, with spirits, with the unseen forces in life.
I think Scorpio gets way too bad a rap than is deserved. This is the home-base of intensity and depth. It's where you wanna dive head first if you wanna get shit done. Where you can take your pain, trauma and darkness and transmute it into abundance and love that gets things moving. Everyone has Scorpio in their birth chart. It's where you are your most powerful, where you can really change things in yourself and others, for better or worse.
But with any intense dynamic also comes intense responsibility and awareness. I was talking with a good fuckin' friend of mine, a Scorpio supreme if you will, about the bad raps Scorpios get. We both agreed a Scorpio without an outlet for their intensity is very sad thing to witness, as well as extremely frustrating for everyone involved in the Scorpio's proximity. Wouldn't you also feel crazy and ready to burst out of your own skin if you desperately needed to connect with people on the deepest level imaginable, but everyone around you wanted to keep their safety floaties on?
It sucks! For the longest time, I tried to turn that part of myself off. Oh, you're just being a weirdo, Ashley. No one wants to talk about death and human nature with you, you're just being melodramatic and difficult. Shut it down. I truly believed that. Ridiculous, right? My intensity is what makes me ME. It's why I create. It's why I can stay up with you until the wee hours of the morning talking about our childhood traumas and how they affect us as adults. Why I love tarot, astrology, mysticism and anything that challenges me to own up to and take responsibility for my darker feelings.
I definitely DID have that part of myself on lock down for most of my life. I didn't love that part of me, I hated it. I was embarrassed by it. Mortified, even. But still, that part of me popped up everywhere, all the time. In my inability to let go of failed friendships, my inability to trust people, my inability to let things be instead of trying to force my perspective and desires onto them. And it sucked. It was super fucking hard, and I felt completely out of control of my life. I tried to find control through punishing my body by binge eating, by gossiping and checking up on ex-friends on social media and bitching about them to my current friends, by putting my failing marriage on a pedestal... none of it helped, and I was truly at the lowest point of my life.
It took me a pretty long time to realize I was in control the entire time. I'd been running around with matches and seeking out partnerships with people who loved to carry a few extra gallons of gasoline on them at all times. I secretly loved it, because it was a distraction from my actual pain I refused to recognize. It's so easy to blame our drama on other people, but real magic happens when we own up to our part in the dynamic, no matter how painful that is. It's a two way street. And that is the power of Scorpio!
This Scorpio season has been extra ripe and powerful for me. I don't think it would have been had I not done all of that shadow work on myself. I'm not ashamed of myself anymore, and it was precisely that shame which was keeping me back from growing and accepting mutually beneficial relationships in my life. My need to punish myself for feeling out of place was reflected in the people and dynamics I was straight up addicted to. I forgive myself for that on every level. For a while I knew that I would have to do that, but I just didn't know how.
It just clicked, one day. After a few years of therapy and an intense focus on figuring out why the fuck I kept finding myself in the same situation over and over and over no matter how much I loved my friends. I just had enough of ripping myself up alone, so I decided to stop. It sunk in that all of that stuff from my past just doesn't matter. It hurt to put the label of "my past" onto people and places that felt so much like home. Sometimes what feels like home isn't what's best for us and we have to create our own.
I was clinging to my past because it was my only identity, and I was afraid to grow on my own. It was much easier for me to focus on the drama going on in a friend's life and want to help them with that than to focus on how the hell I was going to start acheiving the goals I'd been too afraid to even admit I had my entire life. Once I realized how I had been re-creating the same dynamic just with different faces, it clicked. I didn't know any better, and that was extremely hard for me to admit. But I did, and that's when the tidal wave of forgiveness came. I forgave myself. I forgave my exes, lovers and friends alike. In doing so, it was like this weight that had been chained to me became loose enough for me to jump out of, and now I am lighter, faster and happier for it.
This Scorpio season cemented my understanding that intense people are my people. I now LOVE that I am intense, and weird, and not for everyone. Not all people are going to be as intense as me, and hell I'm not going to be intense enough for some people. Some people will use their intensity in ways I know don't jive well with me, that just means I can continue walking on my merry way. And that's totally OK! Everyone is different in how the communicate and process their lives, and that's something I can accept now. It took a lot of unnecessary heartache and drama for me to get to that point, but it's a lesson I will never forget.
So Imma be raising my glass to my intense af brethren on the upcoming Scorpio new moon early on Saturday morning. May we all continue to cherish that spark that makes us who we are, and may we continue to find, support, challenge and transform each other.
Til next time,